bring your brain to work day

my title at work is "security/ front desk attendant" but i am a receptionist. i push buttons to let people in and out of the school grounds. i answer the phone and redirect calls. i clock in everyday and proceed to f.b. and m.s. and email and day dream til my brain is numb.

a few months after working here, i found a wooden baton in the corner of my cube-space. it looks like it can cause some serious damage and i'm assuming it's meant for countering intruders, though the possibility of such a thing has never been mentioned to me by a boss man or woman.

i walk the grounds every couple of hours to check that all the doors are locked.

i have written a letter to my boss, making suggestions that i believe would increase the security of the building

From: Shori Matsumoto

To: ----- ------

Date: March 30, 2009

Subject: Safety First

Mrs. ------, having worked at The Academy for more than a year now, I have come to notice several flaws in the measures taken by the school to protect the students and staff. I have given thought to the flaws and would like to propose a few low-budget suggestions that would not only increase day-to-day security, but give future potential parents of students a greater sense of sureness in their childrens' safety while boarding here.

Firstly and most obviously, the school's location is extremely precarious. It borders a crime-ridden neighborhood frequented by the police. Moving the school would be confusing and impractical, so I suggest investing in invisibility technology. If the school were invisible, the likelihood of gang attacks, terrorism and homeless people asking for the bathroom would decrease by at least 98%.

Another possible solution to our location issue would be to detach the building from its foundation and fix it to blimps, elevating the building several hundred feet above the ground and safeproofing the school. The only issue with this tactic is inclement weather; there is always the possibility the school will blow away and crash into a lake.

Front desk attendants should be given proper attire and defense-oriented weaponry and cool gadgets. If front desk attendants were fully armed and looked like Robocop, the students would feel safer in their environment. Such a change could have profound effects, such as improved performance in academics and ballet, an increase in smiling and a decrease in irritating behavior.

Other suggestions to increase school safety and maintain status quo:

Guard dog
Robotic guard dog
A button that engages a lock down of the entire building
Electrified fences
A self destruct button
Laser traps
Bears
Paintings of fat people
An effigy of Jay
Escape rockets
A network of underground tunnels

Thank you for reading this proposition and for your consideration.

Love,

Your momma